Miscarriage

This was my post today at a forum called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage.  (While the forum was created as a support group for mothers who had misdiagnosed miscarriages, meaning they had viable pregnancies that the doctors said were ending, it has evolved into a support group for all miscarriages.)

I have 3 children already.  And as cliche as it may be, I'm really glad that they take my mind off of waiting for my body to figure out what it needs to do.

After my first kid (my 7-year-old son), my period did not return until after 2 years, thanks to breastfeeding.  I started taking my basal temperature every morning with the intention that I would know the day I ovulated so I would know the day I conceived.  My first cycle I was surprised that I started my period only 6 days after my ovulation.  I turned to the internet and discovered that that was common in breastfeeding mothers and my cycle would even out over time, but I could take some B vitamins to help increase my progesterone and lengthen my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and menses).  I started the B vitamins and my next cycle had a luteal phase of 7 days, which was better but still not long enough to allow conception.  My next cycle must have had a longer luteal phase because I conceived again!

And again, thanks to breastfeeding, my cycle didn't return until after that child's second birthday (my 4-year-old daughter).  And this time I was prepared and started taking the B vitamins months before.  The first cycle was weak; I had only light bleeding for only 2 days, then I didn't ovulate until day 43.  But I conceived!

I like patterns and predictability.  So I expected that after my 3rd child I would start my cycle again after her second birthday.  One day a couple of months ago (my baby being 14 months old), I felt tired very suddenly.  It was as if my body just turned off and I was ready for bed.  I blamed it on the dinner I had eaten and wouldn't eat it again.  I was careful to make sure I got enough sleep.  But I still felt SO tired.  I thought I may be pregnant so I got 2 cheap tests at Wal Mart and took them and they were both negative, so I decided to just ignore my fatigue and power on.  Life obliged and got unexpectedly busy and it was easy to ignore how I felt.  But after another week or so, I noticed I was nauseous all the time.  Or, not all the time, but most of the time, and exactly the same as when I had been pregnant.  It was worst when my stomach had only a little bit of food in it.  Every mealtime, the thought of eating anything except the One Food I was craving would make me feel nauseous, and it would sometimes take hours to figure out what One Food I was craving, but once I figured it out and ate it I felt soooo good, and then sleepy.  I suddenly was burping all the time, and was even more tired than I had been.  Pressure of any kind on my belly made it worse, which made nursing my toddler a little more challenging.  It was unmistakeable.  I had already felt exactly this way three times before, but I wanted a test to confirm it before I called my midwife so I ordered some sensitive tests on the internet... and called some friends and told them!  I was so excited!  This was a full year early!  We'd have a fourth child by our third child's second birthday!

The tests came in the mail and I invited my husband to come watch as I dipped it in my cup of pee and..... nothing.  I tried again in the morning with the more concentrated first morning urine and got only a faint positive.  I knew something was wrong; as nauseous as I felt, I should have been around 6 weeks pregnant, but that faint line looked like the faint lines I got when I was 3 weeks pregnant with each of my daughters.  It was the weekend then; on Monday I went in for a blood test with the idea that I would get a repeat test a couple of days later.  The test came back 0 hCG, so there was no repeat test necessary.  It was surreal, looking at that test result that said I was not pregnant, while still feeling so nauseated I could hardly eat.  And I realized, then, how much I had hoped that the pregnancy would be viable and I would get to keep the baby, and now I knew for sure that I would not.

But I have yet to bleed.  I have taken plenty of herbs and vitamins that should have gotten my period started, and have felt occasional mild cramps but nothing more.  I am still nursing my now 16-month-old daughter, and if it hadn't been for that lost pregnancy it would be just like it was the last 2 times I was nursing a 16-month-old.  But I really want to get my cycles up and running again so that my uterus will be ready for the next child.  My midwife says that as early as the pregnancy was, it is possible that it was just reabsorbed into my body and there will be no bleeding.  She offered me an ultrasound to check and see if there's anything left.  As it's now been a month since those pregnancy tests, I doubt there will be anything to see, and it will be an expense I'd rather avoid.  I'm frustrated that my body successfully completed the first half of my menstrual cycle - up to ovulation - successfully, but refuses to complete the cycle.  I'm sure if I can just be patient, my body will figure out what's going on and do what it needs to do.  Patience was never one of my talents!

Well, we thought we had bedbugs...

But really, we have chiggers.  In our blackberry patch, of all places (and the rest of our backyard, and the plum orchard across the street)!   We thought they were bedbugs b/c it seemed like the bites appeared overnight....  well, we went blackberry picking right before bed, or played out in our backyard right before bed, or had a cookout for supper, or went to the plum orchard before bed.  It can take chigger bites up to a day or two to show up.

BUT, before we realized they were chiggers, we embarked on a Clean-ALL-the-things! adventure that included ripping up the disgusting old ugly carpet that I've wanted to rip up ever since we moved in here a year and a half ago!

Oh well, I didn't like that carpet anyway!

Love that man!

And the kids loved the new adventure!

They also loved the new zippered covers on the mattresses!

I love taking pictures of that smile!

Today we took the carpet out of Lily's room as well, and visually inspected all our dressers to confirm there were no bedbugs.  NOW, to put all that laundry back where it goes, and relax b/c we do NOT have bedbugs!

More Amelia Island

First full day (Wednesday, 29 May 2013)

Yesterday as we were about to leave the beach to get dressed to go to the after-party and supper.  Jack wanted Lauren to take a picture of a seashell...

And this is the sandcastle that Lauren spent hours sculpting!

Jack has been asking to be carried a lot this trip.  He has a hard time watching Lily get anything he doesn't get, including getting carried.  So I picked him up in the sack-of-potatoes hold on the beach!

We went inward on the island and found a playground with a fallen tree just perfect for climbing.

And Charlotte LOVED the swing, as usual!

As did Lauren and Lily :D

My youngest monkey has been wanting to be able to climb rope ladders like this, so she's been practicing every time we've been to a playground with rope ladders.  This time she got all the way to the top (but couldn't get off the ladder up onto the platform), and then climbed back down.

And Jack, my little explorer, wanted to go beyond the playground and explore some more!

She loved trying to follow her sister up the slide!

Second full day (Thursday, 30 May 2013)

I had the privilege of staying in the hotel room with Lily and Charlotte while they took their afternoon nap.  Charlotte woke up MUCH sooner than Lily, and I tried to keep on playing on the internet like I had been.  This was what happened while I wasn't paying attention to Charlotte!

See her trying to hand me a piece of toilet paper?  She was quite proud of herself!  And I played with her for the rest of the time Lily was asleep.

So on Wednesday, we spent most of the day at the pool and beach.  Even though I slathered sunscreen on everybody, Lauren and Lily both got burned.  Yesterday we spent a lot of time in the hotel room b/c Jack wanted to watch movies and it was his day to choose our activities, but we did go to the beach and pool in the evening and ended up staying out late having so much fun!  Lauren chose to spend many hours at the beach building a big sandcastle; Jack spent some time with her but got bored quickly without his sister to play with.  I'm so glad I have multiple children to play with each other!  Today is Lily's day to choose and who know what she'll pick!  Maybe biking around the island (JS Conf attendees and their guests get free bike rentals, and they even have trailers, baby seats, and tandem attachments!)?  Maybe more pool and beach?  Maybe more staying in watching movies?  

I'm finding that one of our small trials while traveling is that Jack is a picky eater and doesn't like food to be different from the way he eats it at home.  It's hard to be extra loving towards him when he's throwing a screaming fit because he's worried that the grilled cheese sandwich he ordered might not taste like he wants it to, but that is what he needs.

Charlotte's first birthday party!

We celebrated Charlotte's first birthday in April!  Her grandparents all came and brought her gifts she loves.  

These are the bristle blocks from her GGMa and another toy from her Grandma (Tim's mom).  In the background are clothes from her Nanna (my mom).  And yes, she loves clothes, though she doesn't love actually putting them on!  She loves to pile them up and snuggle the pile :D

Celebrating springtime birthdays at the park

My children were all born within a month's span in the spring.  Another family in our ward has 3 children that were all born within a month and a half, in the spring.  Another friend in the ward has 3 children, and 2 of them were born in May.  Another friend in the ward has 2 children, and she and her youngest share a birthday in April (which just happens to be the same day Charlotte was born).  So we had cupcakes and noisemakers at our weekly park meetup the first week of May!

Charlotte REALLY liked the chocolate frosting!

TRYING to take a family photo!

We donated money to our local volunteer fire department, and in return got a free photo session with some traveling professional photographers.  The pictures were beautiful, except our children did NOT cooperate!  Seeing those pictures made me want some better ones, so we asked Tim's mom to come help us out.  We put together a collage of the best ones to give to our mothers.

Have you ever tried to take a family photo with 3 wiggly children?  It's like trying to hold ping pong balls underwater!  But we had fun!