Miscarriage

This was my post today at a forum called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage.  (While the forum was created as a support group for mothers who had misdiagnosed miscarriages, meaning they had viable pregnancies that the doctors said were ending, it has evolved into a support group for all miscarriages.)

I have 3 children already.  And as cliche as it may be, I'm really glad that they take my mind off of waiting for my body to figure out what it needs to do.

After my first kid (my 7-year-old son), my period did not return until after 2 years, thanks to breastfeeding.  I started taking my basal temperature every morning with the intention that I would know the day I ovulated so I would know the day I conceived.  My first cycle I was surprised that I started my period only 6 days after my ovulation.  I turned to the internet and discovered that that was common in breastfeeding mothers and my cycle would even out over time, but I could take some B vitamins to help increase my progesterone and lengthen my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and menses).  I started the B vitamins and my next cycle had a luteal phase of 7 days, which was better but still not long enough to allow conception.  My next cycle must have had a longer luteal phase because I conceived again!

And again, thanks to breastfeeding, my cycle didn't return until after that child's second birthday (my 4-year-old daughter).  And this time I was prepared and started taking the B vitamins months before.  The first cycle was weak; I had only light bleeding for only 2 days, then I didn't ovulate until day 43.  But I conceived!

I like patterns and predictability.  So I expected that after my 3rd child I would start my cycle again after her second birthday.  One day a couple of months ago (my baby being 14 months old), I felt tired very suddenly.  It was as if my body just turned off and I was ready for bed.  I blamed it on the dinner I had eaten and wouldn't eat it again.  I was careful to make sure I got enough sleep.  But I still felt SO tired.  I thought I may be pregnant so I got 2 cheap tests at Wal Mart and took them and they were both negative, so I decided to just ignore my fatigue and power on.  Life obliged and got unexpectedly busy and it was easy to ignore how I felt.  But after another week or so, I noticed I was nauseous all the time.  Or, not all the time, but most of the time, and exactly the same as when I had been pregnant.  It was worst when my stomach had only a little bit of food in it.  Every mealtime, the thought of eating anything except the One Food I was craving would make me feel nauseous, and it would sometimes take hours to figure out what One Food I was craving, but once I figured it out and ate it I felt soooo good, and then sleepy.  I suddenly was burping all the time, and was even more tired than I had been.  Pressure of any kind on my belly made it worse, which made nursing my toddler a little more challenging.  It was unmistakeable.  I had already felt exactly this way three times before, but I wanted a test to confirm it before I called my midwife so I ordered some sensitive tests on the internet... and called some friends and told them!  I was so excited!  This was a full year early!  We'd have a fourth child by our third child's second birthday!

The tests came in the mail and I invited my husband to come watch as I dipped it in my cup of pee and..... nothing.  I tried again in the morning with the more concentrated first morning urine and got only a faint positive.  I knew something was wrong; as nauseous as I felt, I should have been around 6 weeks pregnant, but that faint line looked like the faint lines I got when I was 3 weeks pregnant with each of my daughters.  It was the weekend then; on Monday I went in for a blood test with the idea that I would get a repeat test a couple of days later.  The test came back 0 hCG, so there was no repeat test necessary.  It was surreal, looking at that test result that said I was not pregnant, while still feeling so nauseated I could hardly eat.  And I realized, then, how much I had hoped that the pregnancy would be viable and I would get to keep the baby, and now I knew for sure that I would not.

But I have yet to bleed.  I have taken plenty of herbs and vitamins that should have gotten my period started, and have felt occasional mild cramps but nothing more.  I am still nursing my now 16-month-old daughter, and if it hadn't been for that lost pregnancy it would be just like it was the last 2 times I was nursing a 16-month-old.  But I really want to get my cycles up and running again so that my uterus will be ready for the next child.  My midwife says that as early as the pregnancy was, it is possible that it was just reabsorbed into my body and there will be no bleeding.  She offered me an ultrasound to check and see if there's anything left.  As it's now been a month since those pregnancy tests, I doubt there will be anything to see, and it will be an expense I'd rather avoid.  I'm frustrated that my body successfully completed the first half of my menstrual cycle - up to ovulation - successfully, but refuses to complete the cycle.  I'm sure if I can just be patient, my body will figure out what's going on and do what it needs to do.  Patience was never one of my talents!