How We Decided to Homeschool, Part 2

I signed Jack up for every class SHARE had in their clubs n' classes line-up, and even offered to teach one myself. He had sign language, simple cooking (which really was more like "fun with food"), and my class which was simply directed play with imaginative toys and/or games (we called it Young Explorers and we did things like put marble tracks together, play duck-duck-goose, paint with popsicles, glue yarn on little pumpkins, etc.). He never did like sign language but I was determined he was going to be in it; I kept hoping he would like it after long enough. He never hated it, but he always wanted to be outside playing instead. I don't really remember when I went from gung-ho unschooler to making Jack take a sign-language class; I think it may have been a bit of a recoil from the unschool groups that were too radical for my taste, or it may have been that I wanted to spend as much time as I could with this wonderful group of people. Either way, I don't think Jack suffered too much, but if I had to do it over again I would play with him outside instead of making him take the class. He did have lots of fun in the other classes, and he did get some time playing outside every time we met.

Then suddenly we moved to Palo Alto, California. I was excited to explore a new place, but I was appalled when I discovered that there were no homeschooling families in my stake. One mom said she had homeschooled up until that very year, and she was very happy she put her kids in public school b/c the schools there were "so good." I was asked often "Why in the world would you homeschool? The schools here are great!" I was even told more than once "Oh, you'll give up. Lots of homeschoolers give up here!" I wondered if they were right. I asked why the schools were "so good" and discovered they have shorter days, they bring in experts to do presentations to the kids, their math curriculum is all games, and they get great test scores.

But none of that mattered to me! I realized that one of my biggest reasons for wanting to homeschool was because I believe that the most important lessons children learn are at home: in the everyday interactions between family members, in the housework and chores, in the arguments and solutions, and in the scripture study. No school can teach that, no matter how well it does academics. And while yes, kids can be just fine when they go to school and are taught at home in the evenings and weekends, how much better could they do if they get to stay home? I just don't think it's as important for a 5-year-old to learn how to count to 100 as it is for him to learn to keep his little sister out of the road. He can pick up the counting later when he finds it interesting, but the character-building of watching out for his little sister will shape the man he will grow up to be. I believe that character and morality are absolutely vital, and many thousands of times more important than academics. A man with a good work ethic and study skills can learn anything he needs to know; a man with a head full of knowledge but no desire to work will only be a burden to society.

I found an LDS homeschool group, but it spanned too large an area for them to meet more often than monthly, and even that was only during the school year, and it was now summertime. I floundered; I talked to lots of moms in my ward about school and homeschool, trying to find a kindred spirit, but there was none. Everywhere I went, people would ask if Jack was in preschool and if he would start kindergarten next year; in an attempt to feel like I was doing something, I started schooling Jack at home. We did short lessons on the alphabet, colors of light, properties of water, paint, scripture stories, and playing games; we went to the library weekly and read and read and read; we visited museums and parks and playdates. And I learned that Jack can learn from lessons, even when he doesn't want to, but he learns so much better when he is interested and plays with the subject. I also learned that Jack LOVES structure! But I burned out after a few weeks; planning lessons took time from the family and I really didn't like fighting Jack to sit down with me.

I battled a nasty case of depression. Schooling, housework, exercise, and cooking all went out the window. I managed to play with my kids, and I felt like I may not be a very good homeschooler but I was doing OK as a mom. And amazingly enough, my kids did great! I don't even think they noticed that when I wasn't playing with them I was sulking in the corner, b/c I played with them every day.

I visited Texas, and felt like I was home. I spent time with SHARE and with Malina; I watched again how she runs her house and how she mothers her children. I loved watching my kids playing with Malina's kids and with the other kids in SHARE. I thought about what I had done well and what I could improve. And I decided I would do better when I got home.

And I did, after a whirlwind move to Sunnyvale! I was excited to hear that there were homeschooling families in my new stake; I emailed the one homeschooling mom in my ward and she invited us over for dinner. I discovered that she does intensive academics with her 4-year-old daughter and she sends her son to public school, then does more academics with him after school every day. I tried very hard not to cry myself to sleep that night... But the next day I played with my kids and felt better. I prayed for guidance and studied the scriptures. I tried to stop comparing myself to other homeschooling families and stop letting it bother me that I am the only person in this area with the views I have. I worked on picking back up the habits that we used to have that were good, like reading daily, and adding new ones that we needed, like chores. And I discovered that I was rather happy!

And then I decided I needed a group, and I didn't care if it was an LDS group or not. I need support and friends to bounce ideas off of, and Jack needs friends to play with. I went online and in a frenzy I joined almost every homeschool group within an hour drive. I went to a meetup with one of the groups and was so glad to find moms with ideas a lot like mine. I sat down and wrote out a weekly schedule and a daily routine; daily routine includes chores, reading time, and play time, and the weekly schedule includes library day, housecleaning day, library day, and nature day.

And then, I realized that I had not yet prayed directly about the question: Should I Homeschool? My heart racing, terrified I might get a no, I knelt. And I received sweet confirmation that God wants my family to homeschool.

That was just a couple of days ago. Since then, I re-discovered the Thomas Jefferson method of education, and wanted to jump up and dance as I read ideas that I had been forming all on my own. (This method in a nutshell: children should play, do chores, and spend time with their parents until they are old enough for formal studies sometime in their TEEN years.) I am not afraid anymore of the question "Does he start kindergarten next year?" I am not even afraid of the question "Oh, so what curriculum do you use, then?"

I have decided to give my children a longer childhood. They will learn to work, they will learn the gospel, and they will learn that our family's love is stronger than a rampaging herd of elephants. We do this by reading together, playing together, doing chores together, eating meals together, and going out and exploring together. Since I can't actually spend every waking moment with them, they have toys that inspire creative play, they have a backyard, and they have each other to play with. When they are ready to begin formal lessons, we will do that.

My house is full of peace right now. I know there will be bumps along the way, but I am not afraid of them. I have the conviction that I am doing the right thing for my family, and I have a gloriously lovely family. This week has been the pilot week of the daily routine and weekly schedule, and so far it has been a raging success. Jack loves the structure, Lily loves that we're always doing something interesting, and Tim loves coming home to a joyful house every evening. Tomorrow we'll load up as a family and go explore one of the hundreds of natural parks available to us here, and we won't have to clean house b/c the kids and I already did that yesterday. Next week I'll check out the closest unschooling group; I hope I fit in with them, but if I don't, I'll be OK. Jack has friends he can play with in the evenings, and I have friends I can talk to on the phone during the day. And the homeschooling group I've already seen is really not that bad; they are a little academic heavy, but they try not to be!

My kids are growing up so beautifully. Jack is a social butterfly with a heart as big as his native Texas: he plays with any kid or adult who's willing, and he shares his food and toys with a smile. He accidentally spent real money in an iPad app, and was very penitent when I told him he had; he watched and listened carefully when I showed him how he had done it and showed him how not to do it again, and he has followed through and not done it again. His questions get more and more mature every night when we watch a Book of Mormon story, and he's starting to remember them and link them together and make connections between them. He loves to make me happy, to a fault (!); he is learning the concept of not doing too much of a good thing. He can pick up and carry Lily, and she is sometimes OK with that, so he's learning how to tell if Lily doesn't mind him carrying her around. He is learning how to show the affection to Lily that he so desperately wants to, without making her fuss, and he is learning how to tell when she's tired, hungry, bored, or wants up or down. He is learning that I will rarely turn down an invitation to read to him, and I am learning how to tell when repeated pleas of "Will you read to me?" are really him just asking for attention! He is learning how to measure ingredients when cooking, and how to load and unload the dishwasher. He can recognize most letters of the alphabet and most numbers, and he can count to 20 if he's not thinking about it. He still loves the Chronicles of Narnia and we are halfway through the second book. He is getting good at following slightly more complex game rules and sticking with the same game for a longer period of time; he still loves to play simple board games like "The Ladybug Game". He's getting very good at eating whatever food I put in front of him and not complaining about it. He's also grown out of the stage where kids throw a fit about every thing that doesn't go their way, and it still amazes me when he takes setbacks in stride. He still loves his sister fiercely, and he is learning how to care for her even better: one day she took something from him that she didn't need to have, and his sweet blue eyes were as wide as dishplates when I explained to him that sometimes it's OK to make Lily cry when she wants something that's bad for her. He then turned to Lily and said "You can't have this by yourself, but if I keep my hand on it we can share it." And today, Lily fussed in the car, and he sang to her in a sweet, soft voice, "It's OK, Lily, you can go to sleep in the car, really you can!" He is a joy and a delight to have around!

Lily explores and investigating her world with ferocity. I rarely have to do much for her in a day except a couple of diaper changes and nursing her to sleep, b/c she just tags along and explores whatever we're doing or plays with toys or other safe objects. She loves measuring spoons and puzzles. She loves to rip paper and has been desecrating quite a few library books lately. She sometimes takes personal offense when I tell her "Uh-oh!" and cries as if her heart is breaking. She only very rarely wants to be cuddled, but she's learned that she just has to put up with it from me! She still loves her Daddy and still usually prefers him to me, but I am taking a larger share of her heart and she will prefer me to him more than she used to, and not even just when she's tired! She can put puzzle pieces in correctly and she can put on Jack's shoes, and sometimes she can get her own shoes on her feet. She loves to take her socks off but can't take her pants off yet, which is good b/c if she could she'd be naked all day! She refuses to get out of bed until Tim and I have made a "tent" out of our blanket by holding it up over all of our heads. She still will go potty right after waking up, and she still refuses to go potty any other time b/c she is too busy exploring; if I push the potty issue too hard she pushes right back and refuses to even go after waking, so I am learning to back off (you'd think I'd have that one learned by now!). She will request a diaper change by patting her diaper, and she almost always lies nice and still while I change her. She LOVES the bath, and playing with water in the sink, too; in fact, I did dishes the other day with just her b/c Jack was busy eating, and after she saw me rinse dishes and put them in the dish drain, she started copying me and rinsed a wooden spoon and put it in the dish drain. I almost cried, I was so touched and thrilled that my 18-month-old daughter was helping me with dishes! She is lengthening her attention span and will watch a movie with us for a few minutes before going back to exploring; she'll sit still and have a book read to her, too, as long as the book isn't too verbose! She has learned how much we love it when she gives us kisses, and will occasionally fill a few minutes going back and forth between each of us, kissing us over and over and over. She has opinions about the clothes that she wears, whether it is squealing and dancing when I put her favorite shirt on her or tugging and fussing at a shirt she doesn't like; I often give her a choice between two outfits for this reason, but sometimes she's too busy exploring to make a choice so I have to make it for her. She is getting old enough to be disciplined gently, and was rather offended when I held her in my lap after she pulled Jack's hair last night!

They may not be academically advanced (or they may be, and I really don't care either way), but they are compassionate, gentle, obedient, and happy, and they know some very important things about God and love. Our family is in a good place right now.

Photos from the playground behind the art museum today:

Jack wasn't too thrilled that the camera was out again, but he was a good sport and tried to pose. (I say "tried to" b/c he wanted to play so badly he simply could not hold still!)

Lily posed! She was imitating her brother :D

And she was done posing!

So now Jack had to get in on the action and posed again for a nice shot!

(I'm sorry my posts are always so long...)

How we decided to homeschool, part 1

I couldn't help but consider homeschooling when I realized what kind of kid Jack is. I didn't want him to be the recipient of any labels of any kind in a school. I didn't want teachers to not appreciate how perfect he is. But I tried to be against the idea; I tried to think that school would be the better option. I really did! But the homeschooling idea just kept on coming back. We would go to a playdate and he would cling to my leg instead of going out and playing, and the other moms would comment on his unique behavior, and the thoughts in my head were of how lovely it was that I didn't feel like he had to be like all the other kids his age and I didn't want him to ever feel like he needed to be any different from the way he was. I wanted him to grow up naturally, without being shaped or molded by a teacher or school that was less than what he needed.

I couldn't overlook the examples I had in friends who homeschooled their children, and how lovely those children were. Isabel and Alexa were two girls who lived in our ward when Jack was a baby; the first time we ever left him with babysitters and came home to find him happy, they were the sitters. They were 11 and 13 at the time, I believe, but they were so very responsible and mature. I felt like I could trust them with anything and they wouldn't let me down. They were easy to talk to, and they showed so much love to my sweet little boy that I couldn't help but love them. And they were homeschooled.

Malina moved into our ward just a few months after we did. Her boys were 3 and 5 when Jack was just starting Nursery (so he was about 18 months). At first her boys terrified me b/c they were so hard to control (for me as a Primary teacher, at least) and they had boundless energy. But I could see right away how very happy they were; I asked her for advice on how to best teach her oldest son and she told me that he may be running around the room but he would still be listening. So I tried my hardest to not constantly tell him to sit still and be quiet; I of course had to sometimes, but I did see that when I let him move and fidget a little, he was willing to listen to me when I did have to tell him to be still. And so, I began to learn what normal children are like, and I began to love Malina's boys.

I was called as Malina's visiting teacher, and in visits to her house I got to see how she mothered her children. Her boys were loud and rowdy, but were very obedient and loving. They loved Jack, and he loved to watch them play but he was a little nervous about playing with them for a while!

Malina introduced me to the concept of not only homeschooling, but unschooling, or delight-directed learning. She (and many others) proposed that children who are never told what and when to study will naturally study the things they find interesting, and will learn much more and faster than if they are only allowed to study what a teacher says they can. The thought made so much sense to me, but it was just so radical I had a hard time accepting it. She had a logical answer for all my "But what if..." questions, and I decided to give it a go. (Keep in mind that even at this point, Jack wasn't even 3 yet!) Child-led learning flows pretty easily when most of the patterns in our home are child-centered. I went to the park with some unschooling groups but had a hard time feeling like I fit in. I make some pretty radical choices in my parenting but most of my other lifestyle choices are conservative; a lot of the families in the unschooling groups I met seemed radical all across the board. One day a rude little boy made my sweet Jack so angry he kicked the rude boy, and I never went back.

I found a group of LDS homeschoolers (called SHARE) and went to the park to meet them. They were so welcoming and sweet to me, and Jack loved the kids from the get-go. I looked over towards the playground at one point and was horrified to see Jack perched high up on a boulder that overlooked the playground; standing right next to him, though, was a teenage boy that belonged with the group. I watched, and the boy kept an eye on Jack and helped him down after a few minutes. I asked the moms about their educational philosophies and they said they leaned towards unschooling. I was hooked! I told Malina she needed to check out that group, and I joined.

Then I had Lily :D

All this time, I'd been praying for guidance about whether or not to homeschool. I never asked the question of the Lord directly b/c I was afraid of the answer, but I pondered an awful lot. I researched available literature on how homeschooled kids fare in life versus schooled kids. I constantly watched the kids of my homeschooling friends and imagined my kids growing up like them. I especially loved having friends with teenagers, b/c I could see just how well they had grown up! I really started to like the idea.

Tim stood behind me all this time. He said he thought homeschooling was more work than I realized, and that I would set my standards too high and not be able to do as well as I wanted. He said he would love it if I could, but he didn't want me to be terribly distraught if I ended up "giving up" and sending our kids to school. He constantly played devil's advocate and asked how school could really be that bad. But every time that I felt like he wasn't on my side, he reassured me that he wanted what I wanted, he just had questions, and we never fought over it. (I loved the conversation we had when I explained to him the premise behind unschooling. He said "Oh! Then I was unschooled in my after-school time, and look how well that turned out!" He started programming when he was 9 and now makes a 6-figure income, that's how well it turned out!)

Us in October 2007 (Jack was about 18 months)

Isn't he so handsome? And Tim doesn't look too bad, either!

Next post: getting started with Jack's "school" too young, moving to California, and finally growing up

Homeschooling. It's on.

I'm a little worried about getting started with schooling too soon. My focus right now is exposing my kids to different ideas and building habits. We read a lot :D We get new books from the library weekly. We go play outside every day, kicking a ball and playing with dirt. We sing. We go to playgroups. We play board games. We play chase and tickle fight. They play with water in the sink while helping me wash dishes; they play with pots and measuring cups while "helping" me cook; they help tidy the house and put away laundry. Jack helps take care of Lily by bringing her toys when she's sad and holding her hand if she's walking near the road. We have toys that facilitate learning: puzzles, blocks, cars, etc.

We have played around with learning the alphabet and numbers, phonics, arithmetic, writing, etc. My poor son is a perfectionist and will immediately shy away from something he can't do perfectly, so I just let concepts come up in everyday life and he picks things up that way. He can count to 20, recognizes most letters of the alphabet and knows some of the sounds they make, recognizes numbers up to 7, can add and subtract 1 and 2, knows the words to the songs we sing at church, knows his friends' names, knows how to play lots of games. He knows that babies can't eat the same things that grownups can, and he knows how to get a toy from a baby without making her cry (give her something more interesting!). He knows many of the stories in the Book of Mormon and Bible and can act a couple of them out for you. He is getting old enough for schooling, and it amazes me the things he can do that I thought he wasn't big enough for, but I would like to see some well-developed interest before I start.

We lean towards the Thomas Jefferson philosophy of education, and so I don't plan to start formal schooling for a few years. Of course I'm always re-evaluating :) I have a friend who did this and her oldest son started demanding lessons at age 7; I love watching that kid learn, he's so excited about everything! It's been hard in the face of so many moms who put their kids in preschool; there is so much pressure in this area to get started so young. I am choosing to give my kids a longer childhood in the hopes that they will develop a deeper passion for learning when they're older.

So, I guess you could say that our curriculum is this:
Every single day, we read, play outside, and do chores together. Most days we play a game together, too. And every single night we learn stories from the Bible and Book of Mormon. For variety and social interaction, we go somewhere almost every day, whether it's the store, the library, a friend's house, or a museum. It's simple, we love it, and it's free!

Homeschool support

So basically, all summer I pouted that my wonderful LDS homeschool support group in Dallas didn't exist here in the San Francisco Bay area. I joined the email list for the LDS group here but they are all moms at the end of their childrearing years, with all their youngests being teens and pre-teens, and they're spread all over the Bay area with none of them in my stake. I hunted and complained and pouted all summer; I did check out one other group that was local to me, but it just didn't click for me (they meet at a park and socialize on the grass while their kids all play on the playground, but Lily is just too small to play on the playground without my close supervision, so I didn't really get to make friends much). I knew there were other homeschooling groups, but I really wanted to be able to talk religion with my homeschool mom friends, so I continued hoping.

We moved to a new ward in a new stake and I sent out an email to that LDS group, hoping that some of them were in my new stake, and was so excited to learn that some of them were! But it is still only about 1 family per ward in the stake. Met the "homeschooling" family in my ward and was just crushed to find out that she considers herself a homeschooler b/c she does academics with her son after he gets home from school. While yes, that is homeschooling b/c she's doing school at home, it was not what I was hoping for in the way of like-minded support.

So, I'm done pouting. I went online, scoured every homeschooling network site I could find, and joined every group I could imagine myself driving to. I know I won't possibly go to every event that every group does, but I will find some friends who homeschool. I can handle having homeschool mom friends of another faith, just as much as I can handle having friends at church who send their kids to school. (At least in this ward there is a lot more discontent with the schools, so they say "Oh good!" when I tell them I homeschool, instead of "Why in the world would you do that?")

Tomorrow I go to a holiday craft-making meetup with a group based in San Francisco. It's a half-hour drive, but I think that's worth it.

Why does this matter so much to me? Because when I feel like I'm doing right by my kids, my world is happy. When I doubt myself and wonder if I'm really doing the right thing, the whole family suffers.

Out with the old!

The past two days we've been in our old apartment, scrubbing the walls and filling and painting over nail holes. I am amazed at both how much work it was, and how much better it looks afterwards. It really makes me wish we'd done a better job fixing up our place in Texas before we left....

Kiddos were fabulous. They literally spend most of their time there yesterday kicking a ball around and shrieking happily. They don't usually get to kick a ball inside b/c there are things that might get knocked down, but in an empty apartment it's free game! Jack kicked it as hard as he possibly could and shrieked with delight when the ball went high and hit the wall with a thud. Lily shrieked right along with him, then Jack gave her a chance to kick the ball and she thought that was pretty neat, too. I had so much fun listening to their fun while I worked!

Today Lily fell asleep on the way there, b/c we spent a while in the car helping Tim get an errand run and off to the train station before we went to the apartment. (Tim had to go to San Francisco today for his work, and he'll be coming home late and doesn't want to ride his scooter that far in the wet cold!) She woke up when we got there, and I was worried she'd be grumpy, but I had food from Taco Bell and she was so excited to try new food!

Then I made the biggest mistake of my week. I thought the kiddos could paint with their own, colorful paints on the dropcloth while I did the painting touch-ups on the wall. I covered them up with old big T-shirts and gave them each a brush and a picture frame. If Lily was a little Jack, it would have worked well. But Lily is a little Lily. She was very excited to get to paint and she had a blast, but she got paint ALL OVER HERSELF. With glee! It was hard to get upset at her, she was so cute as she squished her paint-y hands all together! Jack wasn't happy about her mixing all the paint up into one smooth black, but he still had fun painting. His technique has improved a lot (so now I need to work some painting time into our days, while Lily naps so he has free reign). I had them both covered with an old big T-shirt, but Lily got so enthusiastic that she got some on the inside of the shirt and on her clothes. I was so sad! I tried so hard to get the T-shirt off of her without getting any more paint on her cute clothes, but with paint on the inside of the T-shirt, it just wasn't happening. I put her in the bathtub and started washing her off so she wouldn't paint the inside of the tub with permanent paint, then I tried to get as much paint as I could off of her cute shirt, but it was hopeless. I really felt like throwing a tantrum :( I decided to use that as a teaching moment and tell Jack how sad I felt; I think it was totally lost on him, but I am really proud of myself that I didn't lose my temper at my kids :D

Jack got his T-shirt off quite well and happily waited while I cleaned up. (I normally have him help, but the stakes were just too high with permanent paint and an apartment we're trying to leave spotless!) I got Lily fully paint-free, then told Jack we were going to go get frozen yogurt, and he was quite happy! I put Lily in the wrap on my back b/c she didn't have a shirt to wear, and she loved it; her little legs went "KICK KICK KICK" the whole time :D I put on my jacket and I'm sure I looked like a hunchback, but Lily's sweet smiling face behind mine drew smiles from many passers-by. (Have I mentioned how much I love going out with my kiddos?) We got big cups of frozen yogurt and took them back to the apartment to eat so I wouldn't have to worry about losing my sweet little wandering girl while I ate.

Galina, our apartment manager, was waiting there to do a quick walk-through; I hadn't expected her so soon, so my sweet Jack had to wait for us to be done before he could have his frozen yogurt. Amazingly, he waited patiently (I did go ahead and let him have it before we were quite done). And Galina gave us the thumbs-up, that I had patched the holes and scrubbed the place well enough to keep our entire deposit! Yay! So I took Lily out of the wrap, and she almost dove into Jack's cup of yogurt, she was so excited to eat it! I showed her she had her own cup, told her to sit down and she did, and gave her her cup with a spoon. She was one happy little girl :D And Jack was glad she had her own cup so she'd leave his alone! I got to eat in peace for a little bit, then Lily got all done with hers and tried mine. Apparently she didn't like mine, so she tried Jack's and liked it much better. Jack sweetly shared with her, but I could tell he would rather have it all to himself; when he had only a teeny bit left he asked me if he could have the last of it without sharing it with Lily, and I said he could and scooped her up and tossed her back into the bathtub to get all the yogurt off of her! Jack came and joined after he was all done, and they had a ball playing with water with the spoons and cups they'd eaten yogurt from :D I got all our stuff packed up, got them out of the bath, loaded up the car and headed home to get clothes for Lily. And of course, both of my precious children conked right out :D

THEN, we got to go back to our old place to play with our old neighbors, the mom with the three adopted boys with the trampoline! We ate pizza, chatted, and played, and life was good :D She is a sweet mother and I'm glad I've gotten to know her and her kids, and I'm glad her kids are such good friends to mine!

These are my kids wrestling on the floor of that old apartment :D This is from back in September.